Tony's Reasons
by ayrenni
Summary: Tony's got some reasons why he keeps on working for the NCIS. Some short fics in Tony's POV. Read and review, please! Chapter 6 finally up!
1. He couldn't be

Author's Note: I wrote this piece here after I once again lost a game of ping pong against my mother. And yeah, I admit it I can be a really sore loser

Disclaimer: I don't own Tony, Gibbs or anyone else of the NCIS fandom.

Summary: Tony will never be able to live up to Gibbs, but he is very well aware of that fact.

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**He couldn't be.**

**He couldn't be Gibbs. He knew that.**

Tony was well aware of the whispers that were cursing around the office. People said he was trying to be Gibbs and that he could no way live up to his former boss. He saw the look in their eyes and realized what they really thought about him. He was considered a stupid boy that was chasing everything in a skirt and had only had the luck to be taken under Gibbs wing for no obvious reasons. They said he lacked the experience and the morale to lead his own team, he would make a mistake and someone would have to pay for it.

**He knew he couldn't be Gibbs.**

But it weren't the hidden remarks and looks of the other employees in the NCIS headquarters that really hurt. The most painful was the reaction of "his team". Once he had been made team leader he had realized that none of his co-workers was able to see through his mask. Neither McGee nor Ziva were willing to accept him as their new supervisor. Not even Abby believed that he was able to lead a team. Tony saw it in the look of her eyes. Her eyes were filled with pity. With pity for the little immature boy that wanted to play boss but would never succeed. The one who was trying to fill shoes that were way to big for him, that's what he would always be for her, for them.

**He**** couldn't be Gibbs and he knew it. But he sure as hell wouldn't stop trying.**

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	2. Waiting for appreciation

Author's Note: Another one on Tony and his thoughts towards Gibbs and why he keeps on working for the NCIS

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything you recognize in this fiction and I don' make any money by writing.

Summary: All Tony's ever done is waiting for appreciation, first from his father, now fromGibbs.

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**Waiting for appreciation**

A "Good job" or "Well done" at times would have been enough for Tony. He didn't expect Gibbs to pat him on the back every time he found a new trace or was able to contribute to the solution of a case. But at times it would have been nice if someone told him that he appreciated what he did for the team. That was all.

He had heard Gibbs saying it to Ziva and McGee more often in the last 4 months than he had done to Tony during the whole 3 years he was working for the NCIS now. Yeah, well of course he was the only one that got slapped by Gibbs, but Tony wasn't really sure what Gibbs wanted to express with that. Besides, hearing it voiced that he was a capable and important part of the team wouldn't hurt anyone now, would it? And after all Gibbs said it to Ziva, too.

After 3 years of working for him Tony still wasn't sure what his boss thought about him or why he kept him in his team, if he really considered Tony to be as stupid and superficial as he seemed to do. Did he really think he was useless?

He couldn't help but hear the last words his father had told him before Tony had gone to the police academy echoing in his mind:

"You are nothing but worthless. You are useless. No one will ever need you and you'll come crawling back to me and beg me to give you a job in my company. You don't have it in you to be a police officer. Without my money you will be absolutely helpless and you will realize it soon enough, you ungrateful little bastard! And now get the fuck out!"

These were the last words he had heard his father telling him. Since that day the only thing he heard from his fathers were the cards he got every Christmas and every year on his Birthday, that were obviously picked by his fathers secretary and about as personal as the spam mails he found on his email account every morning.

He had quite a nice collection of greeting cards which said all exactly the same thing. Tony wasn't even sure if the signature was authentic or if his secretary had improved her skill in copying his father's handwriting.

His whole life he had been trying to contradict his father, to prove him that he was highly valuable, that he was able to do something right in his life. He had become a police officer, had arrested many criminals, had done undercover work and some other deeply dangerous shit. And now he was working for the most demanding boss he'd ever had.

Maybe that was the reason why he didn't want to stop working at the NCIS. His former bosses had told him quite often that he was one of their best agents and that he was working very hard. They had shown him their acknowledgement and then Tony had been able to move on. Gibbs had never done that. Dinozzo had been trying for appreciation his whole life.

And he would keep on waiting till he got it from Gibbs.

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	3. To be remembered

Author's Note: Another one of Tony's reasons. And thanks a lot for all the nice reviews I got.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything of NCIS and I don't make any money by writing about it.

Summary: Gibbs had forgotten about Tony.

Read and review, please?

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**To be remembered**

Gibbs had forgotten about him. He had forgotten his name, he didn't recognize his face. Tony couldn't believe it. How could his boss for whom he had been working for more than three years now, completely forget about him? How the hell could Gibbs confuse him with McGee? And why did Gibbs seemingly have no problems at all to recognize Ziva or McGee?

Ziva, she hadn't been working at the NCIS for more than half a year and still it was her with whom Gibbs had had a closer relationship than with any of his other team members. Tony just didn't understand it. What the hell was that special about Ziva and McGee that Gibbs remembered them but not him?

Was he that replaceable and easy to forget? Hadn't he done anything during his whole time that he now worked at the NCIS that Gibbs deemed memorable? Was his work that useless? Apparently yes.

Obviously he was nothing more than a minor detail in Gibbs life, something he could live without. Did his whole work count for nothing at all? Yes, obviously that was the case. Tony couldn't help but think.

His father had been right. No one needed him. How could he ever have thought that anyone would need him? That he was worth being remembered by anyone, especially by the famous and infamous Gibbs, the ex-marine that needed nothing and no one at all. But obviously that wasn't completely true.

Apparently not even Gibbs could get along all alone. He did seem to be absolutely dependent on Ziva and McGee, even Abby and Ducky. Hell Gibbs even recalled the time he had spent with the Director in Paris but he was quite happily living without Tony in his life or at least in his memories. Or so it seemed to Tony.

Well, what had Tony been expecting? Why should Gibbs suddenly start to acknowledge and notice him now after his amnesia? Tony had thought that he had done at least some things that were worth being remembered, but after all maybe he had been wrong once again. It was not as if that hadn't happened before. He had been wrong before, so why should that change now?

Everything was just like it used to be now that Gibbs was back. And it felt good, Tony had to admit. Tony loved to be rid of the pressure and the expectations of his team that he would fail, sooner or later. He was once again the unimportant, foolish sidekick of Gibbs, Ziva and McGee now. But he didn't have to deal with their rejection as their team leader. He could return to what he had been before. Everything was just as usual.

Gibbs had forgotten about him, about his name, about the things he had done in the line of duty, to protect Gibbs, to protect the other team members. Gibbs had forgotten about the day that they had lost Kate. He had forgotten about all the things they had been through together. About the times Gibbs had saved Tony and the times it had been the other way around. It was not important. He was not important.

But Tony would not stop working for Gibbs, although he didn't remember him. He would keep on working for the NCIS, till the day he succeeded in doing something, anything, that Gibbs deemed worthy to be remembered.

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	4. Meaning trouble

Author's Note: I am sorry that you all had to wait that long for the next chapter, and I don't want to bore you with all the things that kept me from writing. I don't know where this one came from and I myself am not really sure if I like it or not, but I hope someone will read it and tell me his opinion.

By the way: Thanks a lot for all the nice and constructive reviews, I really appreciate it and would love to get your thoughts about this chapter, too!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything of NCIS and I don't earn any money by writing about it.

Summary: Tony always was the one to cause trouble.

Please read and review? Tell me what you think about this one!

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**Meaning Trouble**

Tony had always been the one to bring along problems. Whenever he came to some new place, some new job, got to meet new people and new colleagues, trouble wasn't far behind. He just seemed to be a magnet for dislike, for mistrust and bad luck.

Or that's what other people said about him till he had started to believe it himself. His parents had both told him he was the reason for the failure of their marriage, that he was the one who had caused all their problems and made them unhappy. Later on, his girlfriends had all told him that he was the one who had destroyed their lives, the one who had made them leave the boy they really loved, although they had come to Tony more than voluntarily. Tony never wanted to induce jealousy or grief.

He still couldn't avoid it. He found a new job, and suddenly crimes happened in cities where there hadn't been any serious crimes for years. And he was always said to be the one with whose arrival the whole ordeal started. It didn't matter that he also was the one who solved the problem again. People forgot about that very fast. But they never forgot who supposedly brought on the bad luck. And somehow that always seemed to be him.

His first day in a new office, and by the end of the day, the whole office would be split in two different opinions about the new colleague. He always was the one who was responsible for disagreements among the employees. He was at least always successful in doing that, Tony thought bitterly. One success that was just as pathetic as his failures. Maybe even worse.

And at some time or another, someone would outright tell Tony what she or he or they thought about him. How often had he heard those same words: "You mean trouble", "You are the one responsible for this whole mess", or the same lines, only more formally and politely expressed "We are sorry to acknowledge that we can't unite your personality with the working atmosphere in this office, which has of course absolutely nothing to do with your ability and qualification to do your job very well".

Which meant translated: "You mean bad luck and trouble, so in order to get you away from here as fast as possible, I will write you a recommendation letter so you won't come back ever again". In some cities it took longer than it did in others till someone really brought up the courage to tell him something along these lines, but it had always happened.

For Tony it didn't matter anymore, if it took 3 weeks or 1 year till someone realised that he only meant trouble, but it was a fact for him, that someday, someone would. He was grateful for everyday that he didn't have to hear these words being said to him. Every minute he could live on without being reminded of his uselessness.

When he had begun to work for the NCIS team he had been sure that Gibbs would realise what having a subordinate like Tony would mean for his team. The agent had been sure that he wouldn't last longer than 2 weeks at the office. Something would happen once again, and he would be given the fault. It was just like in high school. Everyone blamed the new kid.

And he had been right with thinking that he would cause trouble once again. Soon he was the reason for two women in the office who used to be best friends to break up their friendship because each one of them claimed that she was the only one, Tony had been flirting with.

But nothing happened. Neither Gibbs nor anyone else told him, that he was responsible for this trouble. So he had kept on living, always afraid of making the others realize how dangerous it was to be with him.

And then Kate had been shot. At least then, Tony would have expected Gibbs to tell him to go to hell. But Gibbs did no such thing. Didn't he know that it was all Tony's fault? That he was the one who brought on all the bad luck that had come upon Gibb's team? After all, Gerald had been shot, Ducky abducted and now Kate had been shot. He was the one who was responsible for all these tragedies by being himself and living the way he did, that's what his mother always told him, whenever she and her husband were arguing.

But none of all the people that worked for the NCIS had ever told him that they thought he was bad luck. Tony knew what they all had to think about him, he knew they were whispering behind his back, talking about him. But he couldn't bring himself to care. He had always waited for a direct approach, had always stayed till he had been told.

He would keep on working for the NCIS, till one day, someone would decide to take mercy on him and tell him, that he was only causing trouble and distraction. But till he heard these words, he would keep on working here, trying to redeem some of the trouble he had caused.

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Ok, what did you think? Good, bad? Please tell me and review! 

Bye, Ayrenni


	5. Right question, wrong time

Author's Note: Finally I found some time to write the next chapter of this story. I hope you like it!

Summary: Why does Ziva ask the right question at exactly the wrong time?

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I don't own anything and I don't make any money with writing.

Read and review, please!

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**Right question, wrong time**

"Are you alright?"

Tony almost wasn't able to suppress the bitter smile that Ziva's question almost aroused. But at the same time he was grateful for the fact, that his colleague chose exactly that moment to get aware of his existence and be concerned about him. He was lucky that it was one of the moments when his defences were up high and he could just laugh it off. He could just tell her that he was fine and she would be happy with the answer and would live on just like before.

That's all she ever wanted. To be told an appeasing lie so that she didn't have to pretend anymore that she cared. That's what they all wanted. They all wanted the easy way out; everyone preferred getting told some lie so that they didn't have to listen to the uncomfortable truth.

But he still didn't get it. Why now? Why was Ziva suddenly that concerned about him, about his health? Only because he was regularly calling the hospital? And that's all that mattered to Ziva, if he was physically ill or not?

"Are you alright?"

Why had she never asked him that question before? He had never gotten any words of sympathy or a question about his well being after one of the especially hard cases, after they had found a little raped girl, after they had seen the mutilated body of a woman. Why had Ziva never asked him this question at one of these occasions?

Maybe then she also would have gotten an honest answer for once, when Tony was worked up over a case, when it all got too much for him. Then maybe he wouldn't have been able to tell her off, to just say "I'm fine, don't worry about me", maybe then he would have told her his real feelings. What it really felt like.

But not now, never now that he had found at least something good in his life, someone that wanted a real relationship with him, someone that didn't think him to be incapable of commitment and love. And now suddenly Ziva asked him about his health, about his feelings. Tony couldn't believe it.

"Are you alright?"

Tony knew that this was the right question, that exactly that question if posed at the right moment, could make him undone, could make all the diligently placed parts of his masque fall apart. And then he would be vulnerable again, just like he used to be as a child. Everyone would be able to look into his soul again, everyone would know his feelings.

Tony just couldn't let that happen. He had to keep up his defences, he had to protect himself. And he still didn't understand why Ziva chose that moment to ask this question, why she didn't see that he was more than alright, that he now maybe had even found a reason to live for.

"Are you allright?"

The question echoed in his mind. He knew he had to beware of that question. He knew that he had to be careful around Ziva at the moment. He now had to put on a more than convincing show for his female colleague he had to dissipate her worries, make her all comfortable again.

After all, that's what they all wanted. To be told lies so that they didn't have to hear the truth. Everyone wanted to look at the bright surface, never at the ugly underground.

"Are you alright?"

It was the absolute right question, the question he had been waiting for all the time that he had been working for the NCIS. Or had he been dreading the moment, when someone would ask him this question? He didn't know anymore. It didn't matter who would ask him the question, Gibbs, McGee, Ziva, Abby, Ducky or even the Director. Someone someday would. He just knew it.

"Are you alright?"

It was the right question, but this time was absolutely wrong.

But Tony knew that someday someone would ask him the right question at the right time. Someday.

"Are you alright?"

Tony was going to wait for it.

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	6. Pretenders' game

Author's Note: Sorry that I let you all wait that long fort he next chapter. Finally I've come around to writing it. I hope you like it and I would really be happy about reviews.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything of NCIS and I am making no profit here.

Summary: Tony is thinking about the other members of his team and what they've got to hide.

Please read and review!

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**Pretenders' game**

Tony liked to think that if there ever was some kind of pretenders' competition at the NCIS headquarters he would surely be the one to win it. Of course he also knew that he was by no means the only one that had something to hide or who pretended to be someone else than they really were.

Gibbs for instance. Tony watched every day how Gibbs tried that hard to pretend that he was a mean bastard who didn't care about anyone else but himself. And all the time Tony could see Gibbs' underlying pain about the loss of his wife and daughter. Gibbs was a broken man inside. Although Gibbs showed no outward signs Tony still could see right through him.

Then there was McGee. Tony knew how much effort McGee put into creating the image of a fearless special agent. He tried so hard to seem calm and brave and at the same time Tony could smell Tim's fear that he would do something wrong or that he would one day have to shoot someone.

Tony knew that it was that easy to look through McGee's mask because Tim was lacking practice. Had he grown up the way Tony had, there would be no such problems for him anymore and Tim maybe would have been a real competition for him in the little pretenders' game Tony liked to play inside his head.

But not only Tim and Gibbs had something to hide. Even Abby was not excluded of the little game. Tony saw the way Abby always put on a show for everyone else, with the whole sleeping in a coffin and being a goth-girl thing. But behind all this pretense there was a too smart, little girl that tried to hide behind eccentric make-up and strange styling. But Tony could see the scared girl she used to be more than evidently in her eyes.

Ducky could also be counted in the little competition even if Tony was the only one who realized it. Because from the outside Ducky seemed to be nothing but a harmless elderly man who loved to talk about his many experiences and tell long-winded stories.

But Tony could clearly see the sharp and highly analytic mind and the huge knowledge the doctor understood to hide behind the mask of an old, sometimes a little strange man. Maybe, Tony thought, Ducky was the one who came closest to him with pretending. But then again, Tony had to think, Ducky also had had his whole life for creating the perfect mask.

And know that he already was down in the morgue, at least with his thoughts, Tony had to think about Palmer, too. And he had to smile a little as he was thinking of Ducky's assistant. Cause Palmer clearly was just like Tim a beginner in the game of pretending.

He was by far not as well practised as Tony or Ducky. Tony knew that Palmer tried that hard to pretend that he was not rejected by all the blood and gore he came to see in his job, but for Tony a small frown or a short aversion of one's eyes was enough to give someone away.

And then the last one left on their team was Ziva. Well, Ziva was not as hard to look through as she surely wanted it to be, at least not for Tony. He could quite clearly see the little girl that wanted to be loved and accepted by her father.

He saw the little girl whose hope for a normal family and a happy ending had been destroyed a long time ago. And all that Ziva hid behind her training and her I-used-to-be-a-killer attitude.

But Tony had never been deceived by any of their masks. He seemed to be the clear winner of the competition. No one of the others seemed to have an idea about his mask, about the dark secrets Tony had to hide, while Tony could look right through the others.

So, Tony decided, he would keep on working for the team at NCIS. At least here he didn't have to fear that anyone would be able to discover his secrets. Here he was the indisputable king of pretending. And Tony would stay here till someone came along who could beat him at his own game.

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	7. Defying the silence

**Author's Note: **I have to admit that I haven't posted a new chapter for an awfully long time and so I must tell everyone who has been waiting for an update that I am really sorry. But now I can at least say that this story will probably have 10 chapters. I hope you all enjoy this one!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything of NCIS and I am making no money here.

**Summary:** Tony just can't stand silence.

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**Defying the silence**

Even at a young age Tony realized that he was by far more effective, whenever there was some kind of background noise.

No matter if it was a movie that played in his room while he was doing his homework or other students that were talking in the rows behind him, while he was contemplating the question the teacher had just asked.

His brain just seemed to need it to work properly.

And the one thing he hated most of all was silence.

Because silence for him always symbolized something was not right. That he had to be on his guard.

He passionately detested the regular family dinners at his home for one. No one would say a word. Everyone would sit at the table and eat quietly as not to attract his volatile father's attention.

Silence reminded him of the times when his father just fixed Tony with a look, his eyes so filled with loathing and disappointment that he seemingly wasn't even able to bring himself to talk to Tony.

So Tony started to only feel secure with some kind of noise. He transformed from the silent little boy to the overly-confident kid that just wasn't able to shut up.

Whenever the lack of noise started to bother him, he just talked and talked and talked as if there was no tomorrow.

Tony just had never been able to break this habit of his.

It was the reason why he, even after a hard day at work, would rather go to some club with loud music and a lot of talking and laughing people instead of relaxing at home and enjoying the quiet.

Because he would never be able to enjoy silence the way other people regularly did.

Even when working at the NCIS office, he couldn't work silently. When Kate had still been with them, he had been bickering with her, back and forth, on some occasions even for entire hours.

And still they had both been able to do their jobs, maybe even because of the constant noise. Tony had an inkling that Kate herself didn't like silence that much, either.

But ever since Kate was gone, the atmosphere in the office had changed. And with it, the sound level became different, too.

Ziva was, of course a very competent agent, but Tony just never felt the connection the way he had with Kate.

And at times, McGee just was too nervous and insecure to keep up a conversation with Gibbs in the room.

So bit by bit, silence in the office at the NCIS headquarters became more and more common.

Tony found himself missing the former talking that much that even the standard of his work started to show his discomfort.

But he also realized that the attitude and work climate among the whole team began to suffer from all the serious focus they put on their cases without any way of taking a break and finding a new perspective on their cases.

So more and more often, Tony found himself to be the solo entertainer of the team. At times Tony just would start talking, no matter if the theories he spat out were absolutely ridiculous or not.

He tried all alone to fill the hole that Kate had left.

And slowly he realized that the team would not work without someone, anyone who was willing to help to override the silence that threatened to overtake the office.

So Tony decided that he would not leave the team, till it was able to defy the silence on its own.

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